A path back to balance
My life has been driven. Primarily by me. I looked around at a very early age and saw “successful” people scurrying around getting lots of things done. I mimicked what I saw and kept doing this to keep up. I certainly was getting lots of things done for lots of people, least of all myself. I kept up appearances. I didn’t want to fall behind.
The not so funny thing, it had gotten to a point that the more I did the worst I felt and I had no idea why! I had done “monkey see, monkey do” which means, learning something by mimicry, without understanding why it works or concerned about the consequences. And yes, there were consequences.
I was feeling depleted. Empty inside. Like I had given everything away. There was no way out. No choices. Just negative consequences of me doing so much for everyone else and putting my life on hold. Why wasn’t I feeling different? I was doing and saying all the right things.
As I looked at the people around me, I thought “you have it all together”. You are happy, satisfied and fulfilled. I want to feel that way too. Which unfortunately used to make me feel I must do more! I was comparing your outsides to my insides and I wasn’t measuring up.
At some point I realized my outsides appeared pretty wonderful and other people probably thought “she has it all together, I want to feel that way too!” What a light bulb moment that was for me! It helped me to understand that I was trying to do things to satisfy others, rather than being my best self. I stopped, took a breathe and realized I can relax and continue to become the best version of myself.
The intuitional nudge I received was “balance”. I looked and what I saw was that my mind was racing out of control and running the show. Not the part of thinking where I am learning new things but the monkey mind - running the same thought loops again and again. This was overshadowing my feelings, body, and spirit.
In society I had also learned that it was important to be “happy” and not to feel my “negative” feelings. The truth is that by not feeling those quote negative feelings I was actually making them stronger. I took on a practice of feeling and honoring my dark emotions (as I renamed them). As I started to feel more, the racing mind started to subside. Next I added in exercise - keeping it simple with walking and dancing. I found the dancing fed my spirit. My mind, body emotions and spirit were in balance!
The beginning of identifying a path back to balance had begun! I can now take this path whenever my mind begins to race. It allows me to relax, slow down and listen to myself. It seems so counter-intuitive, but slowing down and relaxing made me feel better. I was able to see and appreciate all that surrounded me. I realized where I was is where I wanted to be!