My Path in the beginning
Things in my life were good for a very long time. I had figured life out and things were working really well. I had a good career, happy marriage and a vibrant community. Everything was running smoothly.
How could they not. I spent all my time figuring out how things should be and making them that way.
I remember now, having the same argument with my husband night after night. He would tell me, you have stopped responding you are reacting. I honestly thought he was nuts. How I felt at the time is that we would have an argument, he would get really mad because “I wasn’t paying attention”. I would listen as hard as I could to get the right answer, “the rule” to follow. The only problem was the next night I would use “the rule” and it was wrong, again. I was so infuriated.
He was right. I wasn’t in the here and now. I was living in my head, plotting and planning the future. I took a lot of pride of not being one of those people that lived in the past. I was better than that, I lived in the future. I was far too busy “doing” everything that needed to be done.
The particulars of our lives are likely different but, I am guessing that some of these feelings and sentiments might resonate with you.
I felt stressed, scattered, scared, alone, and exhausted. It was hard, almost impossible to turn off the chatter in my head. I had lots of sleepless nights. Fretting about everything.
I had learned at an early age to run and hide from difficult emotions like anger, rage, sorrow and grief. The lessons I got were you could talk about difficult things and emotions for five minutes or less, then the phrase "that's enough of that" would come and on to the next topic we would go. Sweep it away. Put it back in the dark recesses of your mind, don't feel it.
My life got increasingly complex with the weight of life experiences putting more and more pressure on “the rules”. I had been holding it all together so long and so tightly, I was afraid to drop any of the pieces because if I did, I felt I would self-destruct.
I embarked on a process of self-discovery. Re-examining all facets of my life. I didn't have a plan, a timeframe or a direction. Only now can I see the full path and that even way back then I knew something was missing.
I couldn’t tell you what it was, what it would feel like if I had it, or how the heck I would go about finding it. Yet, I knew. Something deep inside me was calling out for more. I was searching for the missing pieces of myself. The ones that I had scattered along the way.
Gathering up the essence of my best self. This includes vulnerability, passion, creativity, imagination, intuition, inspiration. I did find my inner compass and my north star along the path and they are my guiding light, illuminating my path.
I feel now that the universe had been calling me for a very long time. The lessons coming into my life were getting bigger and bigger and there were consequences attached to them. I needed a quick fix and in reality that is exactly what got me into the mess in the first place. I broke... Broke, open. Open to the calling. Open to the process.
I now live with a buzz of positive energy. I am following my calling by engaging in a collaborative soul centered creative process that feeds my soul and feels quite natural. I have stopped holding myself back. I live by; guidelines versus rules, process driven versus event driven, being rather than doing, I am following the soul-centered nudges and opening to the organic process, channeling my inner knowing leading to abundance and transformation.